Dear President Trump,
Please consider the following ten suggestions for selling your wall to the Democrats (more available upon request):
1. Call the wall a “guardrail”, required to prevent a future Kennedy presidential hopeful from driving off the road into the Rio Grande.
2. Spend the measly ten or twenty million to purchase the mansions on either side of Nancy Pelosi’s estate in San Francisco, and bestow them rent-free upon a dozen or so families of the upstanding Honduran and Mexican aspirants awaiting adjudication of their asylum claims.
3. Remind the Democrats that many of the migrants from Mexico and Central America are Catholics, whose Church spews bigotry against gays and women. Describe the wall as a Separation of Church and State.
4. Declare that the purpose for the wall isn’t to keep illegal aliens out, but Americans in. Encourage the historically illiterate socialists of the Democrat party (Ocasio-Cortez; Sanders; Warren) by telling them that this was the far-seeing liberal policy of Lenin and Stalin.
5. Remind the Democrats that it was another Republican President who famously demanded the tearing down of walls. Reagan was a war-mongering dunce, the opposite of whose policies Democrats have always been, and should always be, in favour of.
6. Announce a new green energy project. Hide the wall behind solar panels, top it with wind turbines, and dedicate the electricity thereby generated to keeping the lights on in the palazzi of Al Gore and George Soros for a week.
7. Appropriate the 5.7 billion dollars for an avant-garde art installation on the southern border, and invite the sculptors who have been commissioned to beautify so many of America’s public squares with their concrete slabs and soaring steel structures, and the graffiti artists to deface so many of its public buildings, to go crazy.
8. Build a giant casino in the Vegas replica mode: Hadrian’s Wall Hotel and Slots; The Ziggurat Inn; or The Wailing Wall Resort and Spa. All proceeds to the Clinton Foundation and Planned Parenthood.
9. Never refer to the 5.7 billion dollars for the wall as a government expenditure; call it an investment.
10. Forget the wall. Find some standing water. Declare the entire border area a wetlands nature preserve for the protection of endangered species and the promotion of biodiversity, off limits to all human activity.
(A politically persecuted Canadian conservative who will soon be seeking refugee status in American fly-over country)